Aliens: Aliens have just one culture - same language, same religion, same
clothes - whatever planet they come from.
Animals: Cats are feminine and a sign of trouble. If a man has a cat he is
either a villain or a pervert. Dogs know in advance who the bad guys are
and grawl at them menacingly. Creepy crawlers will always attack the woman,
even if she is surrounded by dozens of men.
Artists: Tempramental people. Writers crumple typewritten sheets in anger;
They don't use word-processors. Painters stand with bare torsos, hurling
gallons of paint at the canvass.
Baths: Bubble baths hide everything. Bubbles never dissipate.
Bars: Troubled men gulp their drinks at one shot, and ask for another.
Birth: The trip to the hospital has endless problems and only by the
sheerest luck does the woman get to deliver in a place that has doctors.
Just a couple of hours after giving birth, she looks as if she'd never been
through it.
Bombs: All timebombs use a red digital display to show the countdown.
Cars: No one ever bothers to lock their cars when getting out.
Car chases: If you're trying to get away the car won't start until you give
it a few tries. It will inevitably get on the pavement and hit the
vegetables of the Korean greengrocer. During chases, police cars will get
battered more than the others.
Clothes: when you steal clothes from a washline, they will be a perfect
fit.
Conversation: In intimate conversation, both people face the camera, so
that one is talking to the other's back. Sometimes they both face the
window and talk to the landscape.
Eating breakfast: Mothers get up before the rest of the household and cook
a hearty meal. The family sits at the table thirty seconds before going out
on their daily business, and make do with a bit of toast and half a glass
of juice. The father takes three sips of coffee, glances at his watch and
says he has to leave, puts on his jacket while managing another sip.
Eating dinner: If a woman prepares a romantic candlelight dinner, the
fellow won't show up. If they've just got together, they eat from chinese
take-away boxes, preferably sitting on the bare floor.
Engagement: When falling in love you say "I want you to have mother's ring,
it's a family heirloom". When separating you should return the ring, though
in extreme cases you can throw it into the river/ocean/well.
Falling: Women fall when chased. If there's a man around, he'll pick her to
her feet and help her run.
Falling in love: Love has many faces, in film too, but if the parties are
opposites success is assured: him serious, her fickle; her serious, him
wild. The first meeting involves a mishap, some confusion, a mistaken
identity or perhaps a collision, be it in a corridor or in a motorcar.
Fighting: You can neutralize two hoodlums by knocking their heads together.
If you win at the end, you must lose the first round. No matter what
happens, the hero and the villian will have their final, one-on-one fight.
Forensics: The most inarticulate detective can ask the lab to perform the
most elaborate tests. Most lab workers are members of
minority/disadvantaged groups: Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, women and the
elderly.
Glasses: Glasses are a handicap. Men in glasses are, god forbid,
"Philosophers", "Scientists", "Teachers", "Intellectuals". When a man
becomes an active hero, his eyesight becomes 20-20 and he doesn't need
glasses any more. Women who wear glasses are sexually repressed. When they
loosen up the glasses disappear. If they wear contacts, one will fall to
the ground and everyone will drop to the floor to look for it.
Health: Coughing is a symptom of a terminal disease.
Hugging: American families like to hug. When hugging, one should say "I
love you, son".
Ice cream: Unhappy people eat it at night, straight from the box.
Locks: Any lock can be opened with a credit card or hairpin.
Money: In a restaurant, when the woman leaves after fighting with her man,
he will toss a couple of notes on the table without checking the bill. Same
thing in bars. There is never a problem with change. Same thing in hotels
and taxis.
Panic: When a woman enters her home, and suspects someone is lurking, she
never turns on the light. When in deep panic she screams, hands on cheeks.
Phones: People don't introduce therselves, nor do they say "bye" when
they're done. They remember a huge amount of phone numbers by heart:
highschool friends they haven't seen in years, government offices, every
restaurant in town (they also remember the head waiter's name). They seldom
need a phone book, an address book or operator assistance. When the phone
wakes you up in the morning, you grope for it with your hand and drop it on
the floor. If it's an Arabic film, you invariably get a bad line and have
to shout at the mouthpiece.
Police: The bosses are always mad at their top detective, threatening to
suspend him. After they do, he manages to solve the crime single-handed.
Police bosses are under pressure from the mayor, who threatens them that if
they don't get the serial killer.. and so on ad nauseum.
Pregnancy: If a woman has dizzy spells that means she is pregnant (and
surprised). When she tells her man he is even more surprised.
Radio/TV: When the hero wants to hear a newscast he opens the set exactly
as the newsreader gets to the point and shuts it down right afterwards. If
a friend calls you and tells you to watch for an interesting newsitem, you
open the set and the item starts right away.
Recordings: When the hero wants to hear a recording, he rewinds the tape to
the exact spot where the recording starts; he manages to do this time and
time again.
Ropes: Very easy to get out of, using supple fingers or rubbing against a
sharp object. Still the hero will pretend to be tied up so he can jump at
the appropriate moment.
Schools: Lessons are very short and the bell cuts the teacher in mid
sentence.
Shootouts: Heros are shot in the arm or leg; they improvise a bandage to
restrict blood-flow and go on fighting evil. Women are shot in the belly.
Shopping: Put your purchases in a brown paper bag; it will fall apart
before you reach the kitchen. If this happens in the street or the stairs
it is an excellent way to meet someone of the opposite sex.
Soldiers: If a soldier shows his friend a photo of his small-town
sweetheart, he will die soon. If he's about to go on a coveted leave, he
will die soon. If he tells his friend about a dream he had -- well, you get
the idea.
Tears: Women will cry in the bath or the shower. When crying in the shower,
their back will slide down the wall slowly until they end up sitting on the
floor. Men cry in the battlefield, especially when it rains.
Technology: computer experts are black or wheelchair-bound or both. From
any computer you can - with the help of the wheelchair expert - infiltrate
any large organization and access files on the laptop computer of any
villain. All computers, even the simplest, will display a realistic 3D
colour picture. Character based terminals have all got speech synthesizers.
Toilets: Only men actually use toilets. Women just use it for their makeup.
Views: From any apartment in Paris you can see the Eiffel tower. From any
apartment in New York you can see the Brooklyn Bridge / Empire State
building.
Weather: When the heroine says "I think it's going to rain" it immediately
does.
beliefs are dangerous
beliefs allow a mind to stop functioning
a non-functioning mind is clinically dead
believe in nothing
- Maynard James Keenan
"
