maar waar het om gaat: zijn 'deep thoughts' zijn echt gaaf. dus hier komen ze:
Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise.
If you ever fall off the sears tower,just go real limp because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people would try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do insult them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
One day I was walking in the park and a strange man came up to me and asked me for money, and said if i didn't give him it, he'd kill all my family...i wondered what happened to that guy?
If a kid asks where rain come from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "god is crying" And if he asks why god is crying another cute thing to tell him is "propably because of something you did.
One of my favorite relatives was my uncle caveman. We called him uncle caveman because he lived in a cave and sometimes he would eat one of us. Then oneday we found out he was a bear.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same person...they both fly, they both wear red, and they both have beards.
If, when you die, you have a choice between regular heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if not...mmmmm boy
If you drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let them go...Cuz man, they're gone.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
beliefs are dangerous
beliefs allow a mind to stop functioning
a non-functioning mind is clinically dead
believe in nothing
- Maynard James Keenan
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